A Japanese funeral is a deeply meaningful ceremony that honors the life of the deceased and offers prayers for their peaceful rest. While funeral practices in Japan can vary depending on religious traditions, many modern services place more emphasis on remembering the individual, with some choosing to set aside religious elements altogether. This guide explains the typical customs and etiquette you can expect at a Japanese funeral.
Table of Contents
Chikako Higuchi
Expert in Etiquette and Communication;
Former Shiseido Beauty Consultant. At Shiseido, gained deep expertise in hospitality, aesthetics, and understanding customers’ needs. Moved to KidZania Tokyo, a job-experience theme park for children, to share these skills. Earned the Outstanding Supervisor Award for delivering courteous service and led staff etiquette training.
Later, trained over 20,000 people in etiquette across the country. Involved in publishing, writing columns, supervising magazine articles, and appearing in the media.
Related Post
Chapter 1: Religious Background and Regional Differences
A Japanese funeral can follow different religious traditions, such as Buddhist, Shinto, or Christian rites. There are also non-religious funerals that focus purely on honoring the deceased without any spiritual elements.
The majority of Japanese funerals are Buddhist and usually take place over two days: the wake (otsuya) and the funeral ceremony (sōgi or kokubetsushiki). These ceremonies typically include a Buddhist priest chanting sutras and guests offering incense, a ritual meant to pay respect to the departed and pray for their peaceful journey to the afterlife. While there are slight regional variations, the overall flow remains largely the same throughout Japan.
Lately, it’s become more common for families to hold small, private funerals with only close relatives, followed by a separate “farewell gathering” where friends and acquaintances come together. These gatherings tend to be non-religious, with guests offering flowers instead of incense to say their final goodbyes.
Chapter 2: The Typical Flow of a Japanese Funeral
Day 1: The Wake (Otsuya)
The wake is held the evening before the funeral. It is a time for close family, relatives, and friends to gather, remember the deceased, and say their early goodbyes. Traditionally, the wake lasted through the night to keep watch over the departed. Today, however, it usually begins around 6 p.m. and lasts for a few hours. It is typically held the day after—or two days after—the person has passed.
| English | Japanese | Romaji |
|---|---|---|
|
The Wake |
お通夜 |
Otsuya |
Day 2: Funeral and Farewell Ceremony
The funeral and farewell ceremony take place the day after the wake.
The funeral (sōgi) is a religious ceremony, usually conducted by a Buddhist priest who chants sutras to pray for the peaceful transition of the deceased to the afterlife.
The farewell ceremony (kokubetsushiki) follows, offering a chance for attendees to say their final goodbyes. In most cases, these two ceremonies are held back-to-back as part of a single service.
After the farewell ceremony, the family and close relatives accompany the body to the crematorium. Once cremation is complete, they carefully place the bones into an urn, which is then taken home or placed in a family grave.
| English | Japanese | Romaji |
|---|---|---|
|
Funeral |
葬儀 |
sōgi |
|
Farewell ceremony |
告別式 |
kokubetsushiki |
Chapter 3: Key Terms Related to Japanese Funerals
Here are some important Japanese terms commonly used during a Japanese funeral:
Kōden（香典）
A monetary offering given to the family of the deceased as a gesture of condolence. It is typically presented in a special envelope at the wake or funeral.
Shōkō（焼香）
The act of offering incense as a way to honor the deceased and pray for their peaceful rest. It also symbolizes spiritual purification. During the funeral, powdered incense is pinched between the fingers and placed into an incense burner.
Moshū（喪主）
The chief mourner or main representative of the bereaved family. This person is responsible for overseeing and hosting the funeral proceedings.
Chōji（弔辞）
A eulogy or farewell speech delivered during the ceremony to express gratitude, memories, and final words to the deceased.
Tsuyaburumai（通夜振る舞い）
A meal offered to guests after the wake, showing appreciation for their presence and support.
Shōjinotoshi（精進落とし）
A meal served after the funeral, typically to close family and those who helped with the arrangements. It marks the end of the formal mourning rituals.
Chapter 4: Funeral Etiquette
1. Mindset
When attending a Japanese funeral, the most important thing is to be mindful of the grieving family and other mourners. Your presence should reflect quiet support and respect.
Keep your demeanor calm and subdued. Conversations should be kept to a minimum, and if you see someone you know, a polite nod or slight bow is enough—there’s no need for casual greetings or small talk. Avoid chatting or light-hearted remarks, no matter how familiar the setting feels.
If you feel emotional, it’s perfectly natural—but try to stay composed. Loud crying or overly dramatic expressions of grief can be seen as disruptive. Quiet, respectful restraint is considered more appropriate in Japanese funeral settings.
2. Dress Code
For Men
When attending a Japanese funeral, proper attire shows respect for the deceased and their family. Simplicity and modesty are key.
- Suit: A plain black suit is standard. Both single- and double-breasted styles are acceptable. Avoid any fabric with a sheen or shine.
- Shirt: Wear a plain white dress shirt. Avoid any patterns or colors.
- Necktie: A solid black tie is required. Avoid ties with patterns or a glossy finish. Do not wear a tie clip.
- Shoes and Socks: Black leather shoes with plain black socks are appropriate. Avoid shoes with shiny metal details or decorations.
- Accessories: Refrain from wearing accessories other than a wedding ring. If you wear a watch, choose one with a simple and understated design.
- Hair and Facial Hair: Neatly styled hair is preferred, and it is customary to be clean-shaven for the occasion.
- In Case of Sudden Notice: If you’re attending on short notice and don’t have a black suit, a dark gray or similarly subdued color is acceptable. Make an effort to pair it with a white shirt and black tie.
For Women
When attending a Japanese funeral, wearing black is essential, though formal mourning attire is not always required.
- Clothing:
Solid black outfits such as a simple black dress, suit, or coordinated set are appropriate. Avoid shiny fabrics, decorative buttons, lace, sheer materials, or anything that reveals too much skin. - Shoes and Socks:
Wear plain black pumps without decorations. Avoid shoes made of exotic leather like reptile skin. Black stockings are standard. Thick tights are generally considered too casual but are acceptable in cold weather, so comfort is important. - Accessories:
It is best not to wear any accessories. If worn, a single strand of pearls is acceptable. - Bag:
Carry a simple black handbag without flashy decorations or exotic leather. Include a plain white handkerchief inside. - Hair and Makeup:
Keep hair and makeup understated and neat. Long hair should be tied back, and any hair accessories should be black.
Makeup should be natural and subtle. Avoid bright lipstick, glitter, false eyelashes, or flashy nail polish. It is best not to wear nail polish at all. - In Case of Sudden Notice:
If attending on short notice, modest and simple clothing in black, navy, or gray is acceptable. Avoid anything too flashy or casual to show proper respect.
Children and Students
Students should wear their school uniform, removing any bright accessories. Children without uniforms should wear simple clothing in black, navy, or gray.
About Buddhist Prayer Beads (Juzu)
Juzu (Buddhist prayer beads) are traditionally used to count chants, but bringing them is not required. If you have a set, it is appropriate to bring them and hold them draped over your hand, between the thumb and index finger.
Chapter 5: What Is Kōden?
Kōden is a monetary gift or offering presented at a funeral as a tribute to the deceased. It originates from an old custom where each mourner brought incense to burn in memory of the departed. Over time, this practice evolved into offering money instead.
General Guidelines for Amounts
The appropriate amount depends on your relationship with the deceased and the local customs. Use the following as a rough guide, and if you’re unsure, ask someone close to the family.
| Relationship | Typical Amount (¥) |
|---|---|
|
Parents (including in-laws) |
¥10,000–¥50,000 |
|
Grandparents |
¥5,000–¥30,000 |
|
Siblings |
¥10,000–¥50,000 |
|
Other relatives |
¥5,000–¥30,000 |
|
Friends |
¥5,000–¥10,000 |
|
Work-related acquaintances |
¥5,000–¥10,000 |
Types of Koden Envelopes
Envelope:
Plain white envelopes are standard.
Decorative cord (mizuhiki):
Use black and white, or silver and white cords.
For amounts around ¥5,000, choose black and white.
For amounts over ¥10,000, silver and white is more appropriate.
Front Label (omotegaki):
Choose one labeled with 「御霊前」 or 「御香典」 (offering for the deceased).
Write your name below the label using light ink (usuzumi), symbolizing tears of grief. A light gray ink pen is acceptable—no need to use a brush.
Etiquette:
Avoid using new, crisp bills. This can imply you anticipated the death.
If attending both the wake (tsuya) and funeral (kokubetsushiki), bring the koden to the wake. At the funeral, just sign the guestbook.
Chapter 6: The Flow and Etiquette of a Japanese Funeral
Understanding what to expect at a Japanese funeral helps show respect and avoid unintentional mistakes. Here is a typical outline of the wake (otsuya) and the etiquette involved.
Wake, Otsuya
Reception (30 minutes to 1 hour before the start)
Upon arrival, bow to the attendant and offer a simple condolence such as:
“Goshūshō-sama desu” (“My condolences”).
No need to introduce your name out loud.
Present your koden (condolence offering) in a formal envelope. It’s usually placed in a special silk cloth called fukusa, but a plain-colored handkerchief is acceptable in a pinch.
Then, sign your name and address in the guest book and quietly proceed inside.
Seating
At a Japanese funeral, seating reflects closeness to the deceased:
Family and relatives sit up front, while general guests are seated behind them.
Service Flow
The officiating monk enters and begins chanting sutras.
Attendees quietly press their hands together in prayer during the chanting.
Incense offering (shōkō) follows, performed in order: family, relatives, then guests.
Greeting from the chief mourner:
After the sutra chanting concludes, the chief mourner gives a brief speech to express gratitude to the attendees. This marks the formal end of the ceremony.Tsuya-burumai (wake meal):
Following the ceremony, a meal is shared among attendees. It’s a time to remember the deceased by quietly exchanging memories in a respectful setting.
How to Offer Incense
Approach the altar and bow to the family and monk.
Bow to the photo of the deceased and press your hands together.
Gently pinch incense between three fingers and raise it to eye level.
Drop it into the incense burner. (Repeat this step up to three times.)
Press your hands together again and bow once more.
Take a few steps back, bow again, and return to your seat.
Farewell Ceremony
Reception (30 minutes to 1 hour before the start)
Just like at the wake, attendees check in and offer their condolences at the reception desk.
Seating
The family and close relatives are seated in the front rows, followed by other guests.
Service Flow
Monk’s Entrance:
The officiating monk enters the hall to begin the ceremony.
Sutra Chanting and Incense Offering:
The monk recites Buddhist sutras while attendees offer incense (shōkō) in order—starting with family, then relatives, and finally other guests.
Eulogies and Condolence Messages:
A designated speaker may offer a farewell message to the deceased. Condolence telegrams that were not read during the wake may also be shared at this time.
Farewell Ritual:
Guests place flowers or mementos into the coffin as a final goodbye. This is often an emotional part of the ceremony.
Greeting from the Chief Mourner:
The chief mourner offers a final message of thanks on behalf of the family to all who attended.
Departure of the Hearse:
The casket is placed in the hearse and departs for the crematorium. Family members accompany it to the site, while other guests quietly leave the venue.
Chapter 7: Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Can I attend a Japanese funeral with children?
Yes, children may attend, but it’s essential that they can remain quiet during the ceremony.
If you must bring a baby or toddler, be prepared to step outside if they become unsettled or begin to cry, out of respect for the solemn atmosphere.
Is it okay to attend even if I follow a different religion?
Yes, attending is perfectly acceptable.
While Japanese funerals often include Buddhist rites such as incense offering (shōkō), guests are encouraged to follow the customs as a form of respect for the deceased. Participation is seen as an expression of condolence rather than a religious act.
What if I don’t speak Japanese?
That’s not a problem. What matters most is sincerity and respect.
Even if there’s a language barrier, showing care for the deceased and consideration for the family is appreciated.
If possible, attend with a Japanese-speaking acquaintance. If you’re alone and unsure, don’t hesitate to use a translation app or politely ask the funeral staff for assistance.
If you have any questions or feel unsure about attending a Japanese funeral, feel free to leave a comment. We’re here to help you navigate this meaningful cultural experience with care and respect.
* When you purchase products introduced in the content, a portion of the sales may be returned to belongingJAPAN.
